


Sirius Black is Deadly

by tsnitch



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: ...and crazy, Angst and Humor, Hogwarts, Humor, M/M, POV Remus Lupin, Resolved Sexual Tension, Sexual Tension, Sirius is seriously hot, Teenage Drama, Werewolf Biology, Young Remus Lupin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-08
Updated: 2014-11-05
Packaged: 2018-02-20 09:39:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2423987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsnitch/pseuds/tsnitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus is angsty in a very bitter and funny way. Lily collects misfits. James is pining (nothing new here). Peter is the only one who has a girlfriend. Sirius is super annoying (a.k.a flirty and sexy).</p><p> </p><p>Also starring: Remus crying in the rain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Both crazy and brilliant

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! 
> 
> This is my first fanfic posted here, so don't be too hard on me =)  
> 

 

Sirius Black is deadly. That much had always been certain to me.

 

11 years old, I stood like a frightened animal in the corner of our dormitory on my very first day of Hogwarts. Scared out of my wits, I took a moment to recognize the irony of my sorting. The feast had gone by without incident, but my lack of experience consorting with people my own age made my first feast an uneventful one. Sirius, so beautiful and arrogant even at the age of eleven, took one look at my tattered robes and snorted disdainfully “Seems like they'll let just about anyone into Gryffindor huh?”

 

For one excruciating moment, before logic caught up with me, I actually thought that he knew. That he could see it in my face, or sense it by my lack of coherent speech, or maybe even recognize the smell of man-eating monster. It felt like I was going to die then and there, my heart was nearly jumping out of my chest. This boy is dangerous, anyone that could make you feel like nothing with only one disdainful look is bad news.

 

“What are you aiming at? You're here just like the rest of us, you idiot!” James Potter, always a little too brave and headstrong, spoke up.

 

“I was never supposed to be here, there must have been some sort of mistake. I don't belong with the likes of you.” Sirius said, he was always very sure of himself, even when he was in the wrong.

 

That instigated James and Sirius's first brawl, and after a fight and a talk (or rather a screaming match) they became inseparable. So naturally, I decided to stay away from them.

 

After this instance, I came to the conclusion that people could win Sirius' respect with a display of power. James was smart and strong, funny and a good flyer, and Sirius encouraged and provoked him to be more. James and Sirius became louder and more arrogant together, creating mayhem and mischief just because they could. So naturally, I kept my distance.

 

Peter was a quiet boy. He looked up to James from day one (both because of their height difference, but also beacuse of the taller boy's obvious charisma) and James, more good-hearted than the very sceptical Sirius, decided to take him in. It helped that Peter always sided with James in arguments between him and Sirius. And sometimes the arguments escalated to full scale dormitory warfare. So naturally, I often hid in the library.

 

They didn’t take much notice of me, my predicament making me a good liar and a better ghost, always slipping by under the radar. Of course, because of how proud this made me (having made plans to become invisible to hide my Very Big Problem), destiny decided to throw me a curve-ball by the name of Lily Evans.

 

Lily Evans was a collector. She collected misfits. Both popular and beautiful (as is often the case), people respected and fawned over her, but she never cared about social prestige. Lily, you see, was a muggleborn. This made her see past the shallowness of her admirers, because the very same people that fawned over her would talk about mudbloods and the superiority of purebloods behind her back. She was a smart and hot-tempered little pain in my arse, because she decided that I needed rescuing.

 

“Hello Remus! That is your name is it not?” Lily sat down beside me at breakfast exactly five weeks and four days into our first year. And like a spell, my self-imposed invisibility was shattered. I could hear the whispering starting around us: “Why is she sitting with him?” “What is his name?” “He's kind of weird don't you think, I heard he always sits in the library like some wannabe Ravenclaw.”

  
“Don't worry Remus, a bunch of gossiping old ladies the lot of them.” And then Lily proceeded to shoot me a smile that made it impossible for me to hate her. That meddling bitch.

 

Lily sucked me in like a Veela the following days, and made me a part of her ever-growing entourage. I was not happy, but there was nowhere to hide from her all-knowing gaze and multiple contacts that she (almost as if by magic) happened to acquire even between houses. She dragged me to study groups and interhouse lunches, held my hand in the corridors between classes, and even my silence (that by all means should have created a lot of agonizing awkward moments, and thus scaring her away) was filled by a never-ending well mannered chatter. And I could not for the life of me dislike her, or her kind (but slightly intense) gigantic emerald eyes, because she showed me what it was like to have friends. And my previous friendless state suddenly didn’t feel like an option any more. And thus, a series of events followed that cemented my first impression of Sirius Black. Some (I) even say that you could, if you wanted to find a scapegoat, blame this entire predicament on the marvellous Lily Evans.

 

There were more than one person that found Lily's sudden interest in me disturbing (besides myself, that is) and two of the most outspoken ones were my own room-mate James Potter (who kept trying to catch my eye so that he could give me menacing glares), and a more subtle-mannered Slytherin by the name of Severus Snape, who kept trying to redirect Lily's (agreeably misdirected) attention towards me. I tried to avoid both of them while simultaneously trying to become accustomed to Lily and her mass of ginger hair in my life. Only the latter was successful.

 

This multiple person interaction was more than a lone wolf (literally and figuratively) like myself could handle. But fate, as it seemed, would play James and Severus out against each other, leaving me (questionably) unharmed.

 

“Keep away from her you little mute. I don't know what your objective is, but she was my friend first!” Severus wand was out as soon as Lily exited the library. I personally think it was the peck on the cheek that she had bestowed upon me before leaving that sent Severus into a right fit, but you never know with him (not the most communicative fellow, and this is coming from me!). His surly moods seemed to be a permanent fixture even at the preadolescent age of eleven (poor chap).

 

“Leave him alone you slime-ball!” Sirius timely intervention did not happen because of any concern for my wellbeing as you might think at first glance. You see, Sirius was trying to compensate for his misconceived unloyalty to Gryffindor that he showcased in the beginning of the term, and also trying to show James just how good a Gryffindor he could be, by participating in a sport commonly known as Slytherin baiting.

 

“Pick on someone your own size!” James bellowed. I silently agreed. My small stature was a good cover for my inhuman strength, and therefore, I preferred to keep out of any and all physical coflict.

 

“Keep out of it! It's none of your business idiot Gryffindors.” Although I silently concurred with this as well, I let James and Sirius step between me and my attacker to keep me from satisfying the trigger happy wolf who was jumping at a chance for confrontation.

 

Severus considered his chances to be slim and acted accordingly. Trying to save face whilst fleeing instead of fighting, he sneered, turned and swished his robes in what he must have thought was a dramatic fashion but only served to instigate more sniggers from the two opposing Gryffindors.

 

“You know Lily, right?” James didn't pause long enough for me to answer. “Why would she want to hang out with that wanker?”

 

“She takes in a lot of strays.” I answered truthfully (something we now know that Lily and James has in common). Apparently Sirius thought that my answer was an attempt at humour and let out a bark-like laugh.

 

“This one is funny, let's keep him. I need an ally against you and Pete anyway.” Such arrogance right? And this was later referred to as the incident that bound me to two obnoxious Gryffindor twats that spoke of friends as possessions and disregarded any objections I may or may not have had to this claim of my person.

 

They included me in all of their antics and made me a partner in crime. Against my better judgement, I had fun. Lily obviously didn't approve of my new friends, and I can't say I blame her. They had a knack for getting into trouble and they were constantly picking on the other students.

 

The most memorable occurrence for me was when I designed the prank that involved 80 exploding pumpkin pastries at the Slytherin table. One would naturally assume that it was the pride I felt after conducting a successful prank that would lead to this being the most memorable incident of my first year at Hogwarts, but you would be wrong. You see, at the Gryffindor table (after seeing the shocked Slytherin faces dripping with orange goo) Sirius Black proclaimed undying devotion to my “genius brain”. Later I understood that he was actually referring to my researching skills, because neither James nor Sirius had the patience for research. And because life is a bitch, they were brilliant and at the top of their classes without having to open their textbooks. Nevertheless, praise from Sirius made me feel all warm inside, and thus, I was reminded of how dangerous Sirius could be.

 

I spent the entire year trying to catch up on my homework because of my reoccurring monthly absences, and simultaneously helping Peter with his homework. James had the heart to try and help, but not the patience (and Sirius had neither heart nor patience) so naturally, this unpleasant task fell upon me.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Sirius Black is deadly because of his uncanny deduction skills. This became apparent to me by our second year. We had all noticed his so called “observations” but none of us paid them any mind. They were a series of proclamations without any visible logical connections and didn't seem relevant at the time. The problem was that his conclusions was always spot on, but nobody knew how he got there.

 

“Linda Winters owl is not here.” Sirius was looking thoughtfully at the ceiling of the Great Hall.

  
“You don't say?” James answered with an uninterested smirk.

  
“Fascinating.” And with this statement I unleashed the power of sarcasm at the breakfast table, blowing any lingering good feelings straight out of the water.  
“Mmhhff?” Peter offered us his invaluable input.

  
“Rubin Tallywater is ill.” Sirius continued. “Thus, charms will be cancelled.”

  
Tallywater was an insignificant third year. We saw nothing that could explain these two statements correlation.

 

And thanks to Tallywater (or so we assumed), Charms was indeed cancelled that day. Only Sirius made the connection. So naturally, at the mere age of twelve, we dubbed Sirius Black “the most powerful seer of our time”. Sirius just gave us a smirk and continued down the corridor.

 

Sirius was no seer. But his observation skills made him dangerous, and this was proven exactly 4 months and three days into our second year.

 

“Remuuuuus.”

“Pumf?”

“Wake up!”

“Whaaa?”

“Wake up Remus! I have a question.”

“Wadyawant?” I blinked and tried to get away from Sirius insistent lumos. I quickly realised that he was sitting on my four poster and I had nowhere to hide. I was seized by despair for an excruciating 11 seconds before I was properly awake.

 

“Does the wolf see all the same colours that your normal eyes see, or is it more of a canine vision?” Sirius asked.

 

I promptly lost my dinner all over the stone floor.

 

Later on, when Sirius assured me that he had no intention of telling anyone, and that he still wanted to be my friend he, and thus, he alone was responsible for the happiest moment of my life. And this further proved the he was far too important to me to be considered safe to be around. And as if that incident wasn't enough, he persuaded me to tell James and Peter. With a reassuring look and some well spoken words, Sirius got me to spill the secret I always thought I was going to carry with me (alone) to a supposedly early grave. And thus, he changed my life.

 

Sirius Black is deadly because of the Blacks inbreeding. His madness and his good looks both came from the Black genes. This was proven by the arrival of his little brother Regulus in our third year. Regulus was sorted into Slytherin like the good little Black that he was, and was also (almost as) decidedly good looking as his older brother. Regulus was a short tempered little brat with a very questionable relationship to boundaries and school rules. So much like his older brother but also very different. Sirius always laughed loud and free, without restrictions, and was always looking for a good time. He started projects and created spells to keep himself from boredom. He made other people laugh all the time, entertaining and fooling around with or without James. Regulus was more in control of his feelings. Never smiling but always sneering, he seemed to think that Sirius sorting into Gryffindor was nothing short of a betrayal. Of course, Sirius and James's Slythering-baiting did nothing to help the situation.

 

But the first time I realised the extent of Sirius madness was when he, on a dare, proposed to our dear McGonagall in the middle of transfigurations, right in front of the whole class. In all our years of pranking, I have never seen her so angry. Her face was red, her lips pressed in such a thin line they were practically nonexistent, she clenched her fists so tight, I was almost certain they would be used to smack a kneeling Sirius over the head. I was frightened. Peter almost pissed his pants. James realised that this was taking it too far. Sirius was still spewing love poems and silly nicknames when McGonagall snapped and her “accidental” magic broke all the windows in the room.

 

And then Sirius laughed.

 


	2. First girlfriend

Sirius Black is deadly because of his eyes. The ice-grey that sometimes shifts to silver. In our fourth year those eyes could set me on fire. If he lingered a bit too long, if he met my eyes in class and gave me a swift smile (like a secret that only we knew about) he could make me simultaneously nauseous and excited, happy and miserable. Sometimes I thought that it was those eyes that made me gay, although I knew the improbability of me ever being anything but gay, it was nice to have something to blame. Still rather innocent at the age of fourteen (despite James and Sirius's best efforts), I was hung up on his eyes. But there was soon other parts of Sirius that captured my attention (and my imagination).

 

In fourth year, Sirius told me about his first girlfriend. A Gryffindor third-year named Samantha who was described to me as “quite fit”. When Sirius eyes followed Sam's every move and when she held his entire (very allusive) focus, I felt like I was going to die. So naturally I got myself a girlfriend. This was every bit of the disaster it sounds like (and probably even worse).

 

“Maybe we shouldn't do this”

 

“Thank God! Don't take this the wrong way, you know I love you Remus, but there was something very awkward about dating you.”

 

“I wholeheartedly concur. I'm sorry about our disastrous date.”

 

“Don't be. You were very sweet.”

 

“I don't suppose you would want to give James a chance? He is always going on about you.”

 

“Never in a million years.” Lily Evans walked away, my first and only girlfriend. And I was relieved. The problem was that our short relationship caused the hatred Severus felt towards me to intensify beyond any rational reason, and thus, my only date with Lily did affect the rest of my life.

 

* * *

 

 

Sirius Black is deadly because of his inability to think before he acts. In our fifth year, he proved this to be true without a doubt. Severus hexed me once, nothing too bad mind you, but Sirius was not merciful. He came to the hospital wing to visit me with blood on his knuckles and a smile on his face (despite having detentions every Saturday for the rest of the term), and he was continuingly horrible towards Severus from that day forward, even more so than before.

 

The worst part in this farce I call life, is that Sirius Black is deadly because I can't help but love him. Maybe this sounds special to you, but I assure you that it's not. You see, there are a lot of people in this school that are in love Sirius Black. You just can't help it. The worst thing about this whole situation is Sirius's behaviour. He can't help himself. He knows he could have anyone and yet, he still pesters me (because anyone is not enough, he wants everyone).

 

“Come on my sweet succulent Moonshine. It's time! I can't bare this silence between us. I must tell you how I feel.” Sirius collapsed on the floor beside the armchair I'm currently using. No one bats an eye, and even though this is close to what I want him to say, I know that I don't want to hear it. Because it's not true.

 

“I'm trying to study. Leave me alone Romeo.” I don't meet his eyes because I don't want to see that humoristic sparkle that will make his words even more of a joke.

 

“But baby, I'm pining for you!! Screw homework, do me instead!! Come on Remyyy, voulez- vous coucher avec moi ce soir.” Sirius ripped the textbook from my hands and threw it across the common room.

 

My patience snapped and I pinned him on the floor in a matter of 1.5 seconds.

 

“Be careful what you wish for.” I whispered it in his ear like a lovers caress, got up and took my textbook to the dormitory.


	3. Infamous

Sirius Black is deadly because of his ability to get away with murder. I should have known it would happen like this. To think that I let myself, even for one moment, define my existence as something other than a wolf. That I wanted to be worthy him, that someone else would find me worthy. That only two short days ago I bristled and preened when Sirius called me his wolf.

 

“Please Remus...” I heard a low whining whisper outside the curtains of my bed.

 

“Talk to me. Scream at me. Don’t shut me out. You know I can’t stand it.”

 

I silenciod the curtains with a swift flick of my wand.

 

It was kind of funny actually. I almost let out a bitter chuckle. The one person I would gladly give my life for almost took my life yesterday. If Snape had died, and it was a close call, then I would most certainly have been executed. That's what the ministry does to dangerous animals like myself. If anybody would have asked me if I would give my life for his, I would have answered yes without hesitation. But now...... now it feels like I want to rip his throat out myself. Do the honours of killing the infamous Sirius Orion Black the Second. I had never felt more like a monster.

 

It was out of the question of course, but I had never been so angry in all my life. Never so betrayed, so sad, so angry. That is what you got for letting a Black close. Never again.

 

But I was fortunately both realistic and cunning. Maybe not as cunning as Sirius but a hell of a lot more patient. And the truth of the matter was that I knew that I wasn't able to let go of the marauders. They would be on my side at first, but eventually James would start requesting forgiveness for his brother in arms. I would always cherish the memory of Sirius sporting a black eye that James had given him after the accident. The one and only time James would ever take my side in an argument. And that had hurt Sirius more than a fist in his face. No, I decided that I would be generous and forgive Sirius (that's what they would think that I'd done). It would make James happy and would also mean that I didn't have to be alone on the following full moon. But I swore to myself that I would never going to let Sirius into my heart again. Because Sirius would, and could break me. I felt shattered already.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Its fine, I know you never meant for it to happen.” I plastered a fake smile on my face and Sirius was too relieved to notice, or maybe too relieved to care. We tiptoed around each other for the rest of the term. I was fine. Yes, I had survived harder times. Everything was fine.


	4. Fine

What was definitely not fine though (or too fine), was Sirius Black. The summer between sixth and seventh year had come and gone, and Sirius had left home to live with the Potters. This had a rather startling impact on him. Maybe it was the Potters cooking, maybe it was the absence of Sirius mother screaming bloody murder at him every single day of every single summer, but Sirius Black sauntered into the designated marauder compartment of the Hogwarts Express looking like sex. No, I know what you are thinking but unfortunately, I am not exaggerating. Confidence, charm, a healthy tan and longer pitch black hair, he could wink at me and I would have swooned. Not the manliest moment of my life, I know. 

 

James was behind Sirius and entered a split second later (not that I noticed at the time, mind you).

 

“Moony! Wormtail! Finally I gaze upon your splendid faces fixed in adoration!” Sirius was positively buzzing with energy. Hogwarts had always been his home. 

 

“Ahh! Pete you little brow-nose you! I missed you, sweetcrumbs!” He swooped down to nuzzle Peters cheeks. 

 

“Hey lay off my boyfriend you berk!” James pushed him off Peter with a mock outraged expression. 

 

“Stop mooning over me you fags!” Peter laughed but looked happier now that James had arrived. 

 

“No worries Peter dearest, I only moon for my Moony.” Sirius turned to me and I did my best to control my urge to blush. Instead I arched a mocking eyebrow, one of my finest weapons (if I do say so myself). 

 

“I know we decided to keep it a secret, my love, but I simply cannot contain myself any longer. I want to tell the world about us!” After this ridiculous outburst, he proceeded to sing “Only the pixies know” at the top of his lungs until James had enough and threw a book at him. 

 

“I feel like I should protest this horrible misuse of books, but I must allow brute action this once. But I warn you James, if you ever use books this way again, apart from handling the very acute crisis that is Sirius singing, I must take points.” That earned me two full out laughs and one snort (but only because Peter had already started in on the cookies from his mother). 

 

“What about me Moony? Am I not as important to you as these boring books?” At this point Sirius was leaning into my personal space, far, far too close. 

 

“Come off it mate, nothing is more important to Remus than books” James had already taken a cookie from Peter and subsequently sprayed us with crumbles as he said this. I would have told him to keep his food in his mouth if I weren’t so utterly incapable of speaking due to a certain gorgeous bloke's inexplicable proximity. I can hear my heart hammering, but can’t for the life of me hear what’s being said. 

 

“Remus? Are you ok?” Sirius whispered in my ear and successfully disapparated my remaining braincells. I shot up from were I was sitting in blind panic. Muttering something about needing the loo, I fled like any self-respecting werewolf would have done. 

 

I did actually go to the loo. First I hammered the walls for a while and then I swallowed my dignity and had a wank. Thinking about Sirius. In other words, I was irrevocably fucked. 

 

–----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“Hello my soon-to-be newest minions! I welcome you all and will allow you to gaze adoringly and admiringly on your new hero all year before I must leave you behind. But fear not! My legacy will remain in these halls to remind you of the true face of excellence. I promise to be with you in your hearts forever!” Sirius spotted the first years before anyone else. 

 

“Remember to end up in Gryffindor, all else would be both stupid and irresponsible!” James gave one of his infuriatingly superior smirks. 

 

“Stop harassing the first years.” I almost sighed at how utterly ineffective my scoldings always seemed to be. 

 

“Cheer up Remus, you're not a prefect this year, you won't need to mind these imbeciles any longer.” Peter clapped me supportingly on the back. 

 

“HA! And Dumbledore made James Head Boy, I can't believe that he ever thought that would be a good idea.” Sirius seemed to think that everything was a big joke, like always. 

 

Some part of me still felt a little bit stung about that. About how I lost my prefect badge (after the Snape incident) and James, the world's oldest infant, got the Head Boy badge. I never thought life would be fair, but in my idiocy I actually had more faith in Dumbledore's decisions than I should have had. 

 

“Imagine all the possibilities.” James sported a frankly frightening gleam in his eyes. 

 

“This is your one and only chance to impress Lily. Are you really going to throw that away for some stupid pranks?” I asked.

 

“I can't believe you called our pranks stupid!” Sirius bellowed, but with a calculating look aimed at me, trying to asses my motives. 

 

“I'm afraid he's right though.” James looked a little put out. 

 

“He is always right. Haven't you figured it out yet?” Sirius handed out compliments like he meant it. Unfortunately, I knew him too well to take it to heart. 

 

“Stop buttering him up Sirius, you're already married to each other.” Peter said, sounding a little jealous.

 

“Don't worry, you'll always be my best girl Petey.” Sirius tried to kiss him but Peter ducked away. 

 

“He's taken, Sirius!” James threatened him teasingly. 

 

“Brothers should share everything, James.” Sirius answered with a leer. 

 

“Thank you for that disturbing image.” I felt compelled to inject. 

 

The great hall was as welcoming to me as my own mothers kitchen. It felt like coming alive, coming here, so much noise and warmth. My insides churned thinking about how close I was to losing all of this last year. With renewed vigour I pledged to keep Sirius at a distance, of course, this lasted for approximately ten minutes, and then he took the seat next to me at dinner. 

 

“Sirius. What on earth are you doing?” James looked at him accusingly. 

 

“Just felt like changing it up a bit. Don't get your knickers in a twist, plenty of Sirius left for everyone.” Sirius shrugs indifferently but scoots closer to me on the bench. Naturally, puberty is bound to destroy even the very last shred of dignity you have, and therefore, I broke into a sweat. Sirius was supposed to sit next to James, that's the way it's been since first year. 

 

And to make things even better for the gay, nerdy, lanky (and oh! Don't forget “beastly”) thing that is Remus Lupin, he puts his arm around me and acts like he actually gives a fuck about what I think. Merlin. The blush I sport is humiliatingly close to purple and went past the normal red blush five shades ago. 

 

“Remus? You don't mind do you?” The smarmy git asks. 

 

“Do what ever the hell you want, but. Do. Not. Touch. Me.” I glare at him. Okay. So I could have handled that a bit smoother, I realised when I saw James and Peter staring at me like I'd grown a second head. Or fangs for that matter. My famous self-control seems to have gone out the window. Maybe it departed together with my dignity (carpooling, you know). This unfounded craziness was making me feel panicky, so I felt the urge to flee. As soon as I stood up, Sirius grips my wrist and pulls me back down. 

 

“You told me we were fine Remus. Are we not fine?” Sirius gave me a hard stare and I got it, what he was trying to do. It was a ploy. He was pushing me because he wanted to confront the hippogriff in the room that had been circling us since the “Snape incident”. 

 

“I'm sorry, Sirius. Must be that time of the month.” I told him with a contrite smile that he saw right through. James and Peter let out a collective breath and resumed eating like starved trolls at a muggle campsite. 

 

I was safe, at least for a moment, Sirius arm had retreated. But the man eating look that Sirius gave me told me that the gloves were off, and I was more scared than ever before.


	5. A gentleman

Mistake number one: alcohol. I should have refused. I think that my body was rebelling against me, I knew that I shouldn't have indulged when Sirius so recently declared war. 

 

“Soooo Remus. How was your summer?” James had just stopped telling us all of the sordid details of his summer conquests. 

 

“Uneventful.” Which wasn’t exactly true, considering the boy I met at my grandmas place in Mount Pellier. He looked a lot like Sirius (though not nearly as handsome or brilliant, Merlin I'm a sap), more so than I cared to admit. 

 

“Oh come on Moony, a striking creature as yourself? You're so full of it. Come on! Spill the Bertie beans. Are we not your best friends, brother in arms?” James faux pas about me being a creature was easily forgiven. Not that they would ever let me forget it. 

 

“A gentleman does not kiss and tell.” My arrogance was like a protective blanket during those times.

 

“How about I tell you about Sarah then?” Peter tried valiantly to save us from James' prodding and my inevitable and upcoming explosion. Sometimes, I think Peter knew us better than we knew ourselves.

 

“We were talking about Moony and what he is refusing to tell us, Wormy.” When Sirius turned his focus upon you, it was as intense as fiendfire. And I couldn't control my subsequent blush. 

 

“Does ickle Moony keep secrets from us? What do we do to traitors Sirius?” James always thought it was all fun and games until it really wasn't. 

 

“We kill them.” Sirius answered. 

 

“Well then, this has been...... nice. But I think it's time for me to go to bed.” I started to stand up. My escape was predictably thwarted by Sirius and James' hands, grabbing me and pulling me back down again.

 

“Guys, are you sure we should pressure him?” Peter has been afraid of me ever since he learned about the wolf I carry. With good reason, so I don't blame the poor bugger. 

 

“Don't talk about me like I'm not here.” I couldn't help but take my agression out on the undeserving Peter.

 

“Tell us Moony.” 

 

“No. There's nothing to tell.” 

 

“Don't lie to me. What do we do to liars James?” Sirius practically purred.

 

“We kill them.” James smiled delightedly.

 

“Guys?” Peter was trying in vain to disperse the suffocating tension. Unfortunately, Sirius and James never payed any mind to things as subtle as tension (or Peter for that matter). 

 

“Fuck off and leave me alone.” The steadiness of my voice was a direct contrast to my rising anger. 

 

“Feisty one wouldn't you say James?” Sirius smirks. 

 

“Must have a death wish.” 

 

“We are too old for this.” I ineffectively tried to speak to them as if they were grown-ups. They pounced. A short wrestling match, which Peter stayed clear of (or was left out of) followed.

 

“Does this make you hard Remus?” Sirius whispered in my ear when my hands were too preoccupied with keeping James down. I snarled at him and tossed him across the room. His head hit the wall with a sickeningly satisfying thud. I prowled closer to him, more wolf than boy at this point. 

 

“Hey mate. That’s enough.” James grabbed a hold of my shirt but I was too out of it to notice. 

 

“You win Moony.” Sirius, crazy fucker that he is, just smiled at me and bared his throat to placate the wolf. Something inside of me felt extremely satisfied but the human was still angry. 

 

“I'm going to tell you this one last time Sirius. This thing that you're doing. Stop it.” I told him in hushed tones and I noticed that my hand had inexplicably closed down around his throat. 

 

“I'll give you some space. Promise.” But his eyes were still defiant. I locked myself in the bathroom until I heard them go to bed.


	6. Showers and rain

I would run sometimes to try to clear my head, although I kind of always knew it would be a futile endeavour seeing as puberty kept me on a constant high of hormones and self-loathing. I remebered coming back from one of those runs on one chilly day in April and as I walked trough the shadow of the valley of death (also known as the Quidditch locker room) I start taking my clothes off. I've always been pretty tall and my body was strong (even though I felt so weak), in an old man kind of way – with very shallow veins, and lithe limbs, but strong nonetheless. I felt like the scars were ruining any possibility of ever being naked in front of anyone, so I wasn't really bothered about my appearance. And there I stood “not bothering” when suddenly, I heard him.

 

“Come here Remus.” Sirius seemed to be as calm as a boggart in a forgotten closet. Standing two meters behind me, freshly wet from the showers, was the reason for my muddled thoughts and therefore also my pathetic attempt at making them go away by going for that run. The whole situation felt disturbingly like he was not leaving me alone, quite the opposite actually. Not ignoring my presence, not giving me space.

 

“Come here.”

 

His eyes. Oh Merlin, the look in his eyes when he looked at me made it seem like he was talking about sex and subsequently it made my cock give an appreciating little jerk. My cock was screaming: Yes! Please! Let's get married and have lots of fluffy children and never mind that we are both blokes and never mind that you'll betray me the first chance you get. So naturally, I told him

 

“No.”

 

He dropped the towel that previously hid his erection. “Can you see how hard you make me?” He splayed one of his aristocratic hands, absurdly long fingered, on his chest and slowly dragged it downwards, until he grasped himself and started stroking. “Mmmm Moony. I'm thinking about how desperate I am to feel your cock buried balls deep inside me. Taking me. Claiming me.”

 

So my obvious reaction was to run. And that's what I did. Later, sitting underneath the Quidditch stands with no sweater in the pouring rain, this made me feel quite pathetic. No more of this silly avoiding thing, I decided. It was time for me to take the unicorn by the horn (no, not like that, get your mind out of the gutter), and stop being a coward.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The tension in the dormitory was making Peter really twitchy. James was talking about something and laughing too hard at his own jokes, trying to fill the silence. Sirius was agreeing with James but kept trying to get my attention. I was studying on my bed, trying to ignore the lunacy that was (is) my life.

 

“STOP THIS! I can't take it, the tension is killing me!” Peter stood up abruptly and shouted at us.

 

“You and you” He pointed at me and Sirius with a shaking finger, “bloody shag already so that we all can get back to normal!”

 

“Nobody wants your opinion Wormtail” Sirius answered.

 

“Well if I'm not welcome here, screw you, I actually have a girlfriend to attend to. Goodnight you pathetic sods!” Peter exited the dorm, leaving the rest of us a bit shocked.

 

“Did Wormtail actually get angry? I never thought I would see the day.” James looked like he found it mildly amusing.

 

Sirius took a seat on James' bed, “Our little boy all grown up! I'm so proud of him.”

 

“Forgot my shoes.” Peter opens the dormitory door again, shamefaced. 

 

“So, you have a girlfriend Peter? Congratulations!” I kind of felt bad for not noticing.

 

“Thank you Moony” He said, sounding relieved.

 

“Well, come on! Who is she then?” James said, probably hoping to get a chance to tease him about it.

 

“Marlene McKinnon” He answered, trying to stand a tiny bit taller.

 

“OOOh! She's a looker as well. Wow Wormy, you’re really getting up in the world.” James smirks.

 

“Well well, get on with it, the lady awaits! But don't you dare forget to write, at least once a week! And we are expecting to meet this young lady of yours sooner or later, you understand!” Sirius was beaming and laid his head on James' shoulder like a happy kitten.

 

“Fine. Goodnight.”

 

“Don't do anything I wouldn’t do!” James bellowed at his retreating back.

 

“That excludes nothing” I pointed out.

 

“I know” He turned to me with his “crazy-eyes”, the ones that usually only comes out when Lily is around.

 

“But Wormtail is, dare I say it, right.” James stood up, “Maybe I should leave for awhile and let you get things sorted out, yeah?”

 

“That would be peachy” Sirius answered James, but he didn't take his eyes off me.

 

“See you later then.” James took off, and left me alone with him. And yes, I was scared. Sirius Black is dangerous, you see. 


	7. Lonely

“Why are you doing this?” My shoulders slumped, my tone was weary. Somehow I actually thought that our friendship meant more to him than it obviously did. How could I still live in the illusion of our non-existent respect for each other? Everything seemed so tiring suddenly. Maybe this charade had been going on for too long. It was time to stop pretending. I was clinging to a friendship that had been over for quite some time.

 

“Is it not obvious? I like you Moony. Simple as that.” Sirius scoffed.

 

“Simple as that? It's anything but simple. You are jeopardising our.....” I caught myself before I dropped the F-word, realising that we certainly weren't friends anymore.

 

“I'm jeopardising what exactly? You've made it very clear to me that we're not friends anymore, so what could I jeopardise?” Sirius glared at me from his seat on his own bed. The distance between us felt like miles. 

 

“Because of what you did." 

 

“I know! I know.... but I'm tired of begging for your forgiveness and I'm tired of you avoiding me.”

 

“So you're doing this to get my attention? Could you be any more childish? Merlin Sirius I -”

 

“No! That's not it. Maybe I want your attention and I miss you as a friend but....”

 

“But what?”

 

“I really like you. As more than a friend.” 

 

“Just stop it! I don't know what you want from me but I've told you to stop like a thousand times. I know you're not this dense. I'm not interested in sleeping with you.” 

 

“But you want me. I know you do, don't try to deny it. Why can't you take a chance on me? I'm yours and you know it!”

 

“You're not mine." I shouted, taking a deep breath before countinuing, "You only care about yourself!” 

 

“That's not true and you know it. I care more about you than I care for my own life.” He would not look me in the eye when he said this. 

 

“You've got a funny way of showing it.” I said, as cold as I could, but I could feel my face betraying my emotions. 

 

“How can I show you? What can I do to show you that I belong to you?” 

 

“Why do you lie to my face? You have to know that it hurts me! You're just like your family Sirius, taking pleasure in other peoples misery, lying and manipulating people to gain personal satisfaction. How many times have I seen or heard you sweet-talk yourself into other peoples pants and then you stand here and have the gall to claim that you belong to me?!” My voice almost broke halfway through. But I saw him recoil by the time I compared him to the rest of the Black family. I felt the room starting to vibrate, a sure sign of him losing control. His wild magic never really settled. 

 

A couple of books exploded from my bookshelf. “I. Am. Nothing. Like. Them.” He said, trying to persuade himself more than me. Because I never actually thought that he was anything like his family, sure, there are some traits that screams Black-heritage (like his looks), but other parts of him (the important parts) are nothing like what they wanted him to be. 

 

“You're not like them.” I conceded, trying to get him to calm down.

 

His eyes were storming and focused on me. If he had been capable of crying, I think he would've been. And that was what got me in the end, the rawness of his emotions.

 

“Come here.” I said, tired of it all. He met me in the space between our beds, and stepped into my arms like he never left them. I held him close, struck by my own sadness as well as his. Sadness I carried for a long time, ever since the Snape-incident, that caused this enormous distance that we couldn't really get past. 

 

“I'm lonely Moony. And I want to belong to you, I know I already do. Even if you never look at me again, I will belong to you forever.” He said, in the space between my shoulder and my head. 

 

And I knew it then, it was a certainty. Sirius was going to be the death of me.


	8. Love is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! Explicit sex in this chapter!

Love is like passing a kidney-stone. Hurts like hell, you can't eat or sleep and it preoccupies your every waking thought. 

 

It was the small touches that got to me. The lingering hands on my back, the fingers on my thigh when I succeed in planing a major step in our pranks, the foot resting on my calf as we studied. He was driving me mad with slow torture, inconspicuous touches and gestures. Problem was, I had never seen him so happy, so I couldn't bring myself to ask him to stop. Ever since our “talk” things had been different. More like what our friendship was like before the incident. 

 

Our dormitory room smelled like adolescent boys and existential despair. So much like ourselves, marinated in our own shortcomings. James, with his everlasting crush on Lily (who refused to even acknowledge his existence, which seemed pretty fair to me at the time, seeing as he could be the worlds biggest moron sometimes). Peter, with his ongoing need to prove himself to James and Sirius because they always seemed to forget about him, and Sirius, with his self-doubt in regards to his fluctuating sanity and his growing concerns about whether or not he had any morals at all. Me, with my insubordinate pest problem and rising sexual frustration. 

 

I knew I should give in. I knew it, you know it, Sirius would've staked everything on it. My ultimate surrender. It was only a matter of time. I would have probably done it earlier if it wasn’t for the smug grin Sirius sported every time he looked at me. 

 

“Marauders, gentlemen, and other creatures of the forest! Hear my call!”

 

“Not in the middle of the night Pads.” I groaned.

 

“Wake up! Waste no more of this fateful night!”

 

“Shut up! Don't make me come over there and shut you up myself!” James shouted from behind the drapes of his bed. 

 

Peter snored loudly. 

 

“But I have the answer to our prayers, our salvation is imminent! Emerge from your lairs of darkness and sin and meet your creator!” 

 

“Moony?” James pleaded.

 

“On it.” My arm shot out from behind my drapes and took hold of his arm, which made Sirius yelp and struggle. As I stumbled out of my bed, I took a better hold of him aiming to throw him on his own bed and spell him inside of it (with a useful spell we invented for the sole purpose of dealing with Sirius's insomnia). With both of my hands already on him I realised a tad late that he was naked. 

 

“Well hello to you Mr Moonshine.” He said, unable (or maybe unwilling) to hide his arousal. 

 

“Fine!” I snarled and threw him on my own bed instead. It was where he belonged anyway. 

 

I dove in and soundproofed the curtains around the bed with a muffliato. 

 

“Took you long enough you infuriatingly stubborn man-boy.” Only Sirius could look haughty and superior even after having been thrown on a bed wearing nothing. 

 

“Shut up, you mutt.” I answered, a bit distracted by the exquisite form that was lying on my bed. 

 

“Well? What are you waiting for?” He raised his chin a bit higher, “Have at it then!”

 

I had my hand on his arm and could feel him trembling. It was disturbingly intoxicating. I slowly let my fingertips drag against his skin, moving up his arm and neck. He shivered. 

 

“How about a kiss?” His voice almost broken, and I had done nothing of importance yet. The power I held over him in that moment was getting to my head, stronger than the firewhiskey we drank on the Friday night before.

 

I obliged him by lowering my lips to his, both of us drew in a deep breath in anticipation of drowning, before bridging those last millimetres that separated me from madness. He clutched the back of my neck as my tongue swiped his lower lip, and opened his mouth to welcome mine. I was struck by the realisation that it wasn't me who surrendered, it was him. I let my hands drag over his torso, mapping all of his unblemished skin with my calloused and knobbly hands, and I felt like I was tarnishing a piece of fine art with my unworthy touches. “Please.” Sirius roughened voice pleaded from beneath my onslaught, and it took me several seconds to understand what he was asking for, and that's only because of the fact that his hands were starting to pull at my pyjamas. 

 

“What do you want me to do to you Pads? Maybe you want my hands on your cock, stroking you the way you showed me that you liked some days ago? My mouth? For once not arguing or talking back, too preoccupied with the weigh of your cock on my tongue? Maybe you are begging for my cock? How was it that you put it – taking and claiming you?” Somehow, some part of me was shocked even as the words left my mouth. 

 

“YES! Yes! Whatever you want Moony – please I – do something!”

 

His skin is fever-hot and the trembling never stopped. I drag my pants down and off, Sirius had managed to take my shirt off during his earlier ministrations. At the first skin to skin contact we both hissed and moaned. It finally felt like we understood each other, with no more boundaries or games between us. I did the lubrication spell wandlessly, wordlessly, and I felt him tense underneath me in appreciation of my power. Hot with satisfaction – my kisses trailed down his chest and stomach – I was determined to reward him for making me feel wanted, and he whimpered and mewled as I blew hot air on his cock. 

 

“Moony” He moaned, sounding absolutely sinful. I took pity on him and lowered my mouth onto his cock. This earned me a scream and his laboured breathing was taking on a sounding exhale. 

 

My fingers probed between his cheeks, and when I found it I couldn't help myself. I released him from my mouth and turned him around so that he was on his stomach. I lifted his delectable arse so that he was standing on his knees. “Remus, what are you – AAH!” He practically convulsed as the first swipe of my tongue laved him from the back of his balls to his tailbone. As I continued to tongue him mercilessly he howled and screamed himself hoarse. When my fingers joined my tongue, he was chanting my name in-between sobs and pleading for more. As I slicked myself up, he was begging me. 

 

“Remus, please... please, I'm ready. Please.” It was like a drug. Me, with all my literary fancies, never fathomed that words could be as powerful as these were.  
As my cock pushed past his inner muscle, all I heared was gratefulness, relief. I pushed in slowly, partly for my own sanity, partly for his continued pleasure, and stopped to breathe as I was seated as far as I could go. We both tried to draw breath, and I distractedly kissed his neck. 

 

“You can move now.” He forced the words out from his continued panting. I moved, and we both tried to draw breath again. The tightness wass unbelievable. 

 

“So good, Pads.” I moaned (it wasn't the most eloquent moment of my life). I started working up a rhythm and pulled him up against my chest. He followed pliantly. His arms came up to hold my neck as he moaned and moved like he never did anything else but that. Sensuously and graciously, while I pounded away behind him like the animal I am. I took hold of his erection, trying to get him to falter or fall. All he did was become more animated. 

 

When he came, he screamed and clamped down on my erection like a vice, pulling my orgasm from me quite unexpectedly. I held him tight as I emptied myself inside him. 

 

He sat in my lap as we tried to catch our breath, my erection slowly softening inside him, my seed trickling down his legs. It was romantic. I realised that I bit him as my orgasm took me. He had a distinctive bite-mark between his neck and his shoulder. I should've been contrite but I was too busy feeling oddly satisfied about marking him. 

 

“I love you Sirius.” The words were out before I consciously decided to voice them, but there was no point in pretending any longer. I was fairly certain he already knew. 

 

“You will be the death of me, Remus.” He answered, sounding happy about the prospect.


End file.
